


Chest of Drawers

by Mweebles



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Crack, Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-30
Updated: 2014-05-30
Packaged: 2018-01-27 03:14:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1712879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mweebles/pseuds/Mweebles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ran-Mao finds a mysterious stack of paper in a chest of drawers when snooping in a hallway in the Phantomhive manor. Who keeps writing fanfiction about her and pairing her off randomly?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bardroy

Ran-Mao was snooping through the Phantomhive manor as always. She was going through a chest of drawers in a hallway when she found a wad of folded up papers hidden among some odds and ends. As Ran-Mao liked practicing her reading, she decided to find out what they read. She sat upon the bed to read.

After a few sentences, she was surprised to learn that it was a story that took place in the Phantomhive manor and she was one of the main characters. Her eyes widened as she read more.

~*~

"Oy! I told you that cake was for tea later on!" scolded Bardroy. He walked towards Ran-Mao and pulled the cake platter away from her. She placed a hand on his to stop him and he looked at her curiously. Her golden eyes never left his as a frosting-laden finger dipped sensuously into her mouth.

"Ohh. My. God." Bard’s jaw went slack and his trademark cigarette fell from his lips and to the floor.

"Want a taste?" purred Ran-Mao, some white frosting left on her lips.

"Yes. Yes, I do want a taste," said Bard, nodding his head eagerly, his eyes filled with desire.

Ran-Mao knocked the cake aside and planted herself on the counter in front of him. Bard pulled her towards him, his lips hungrily seeking hers, tasting the delicious frosting…

~*~

Ran-Mao gasped for air, realizing she had been holding her breath in anticipation while reading. She brought her fingers up to her lips and swore she had just been there, in the kitchen…with Bard. She thumbed through the rest and her breathing increased when she read the sort of debauchery that her and the cook got up to. Who had written this? She looked to see if the coast was clear before folding the papers and tucking them in the front of her corset. She would read the rest later in private.


	2. Claude

Ran-Mao had returned to the same chest of drawers that she had found the Bard story in. There was a new story. She tucked it into her corset and retreated to a guest bedroom to read it in privacy.

Ran-Mao was once again the focus of the story. For some reason, this story depicted her going alone to the Trancy manor to represent Ciel in a business transaction. Ran-Mao frowned. As if that would ever happen. Why couldn’t Sebastian or any of the other servants do it? Where was Lau in all this? She blinked, shrugged and returned to reading.

~*~

"You are aware of our contract that was discussed?" asked Claude.

"I understand perfectly. I was chosen for a reason," answered Ran-Mao.

"Follow me."

~*~

Ran-Mao frowned. A whole section of text was scratched out. She read where it started up again.

~*~

"Oh! Oh HARDER! HARDER!" Ran-Mao yelled in passion. The headboard slammed against the wall and tiny pieces of plaster rained down on them.

"You little minx!" panted Claude…

~*~

Ran-Mao jumped, startled. She was just getting engrossed in that part of the story when she heard footsteps out in the hall. She quickly stashed away the story in her corset to read later. She wondered what type of contract would lead to activities like that. Ran-Mao fanned her cheeks to try and get rid of the redness before exiting the bedroom.


	3. Mei-Rin & Sebastian

Ran-Mao made a beeline for the chest of drawers once her and Lau had arrived at the manor. She shut herself in the guest bedroom with the new story, wondering who she would be paired with next. After reading for about ten minutes, her eyes were as wide as an owl’s.

~*~

Sebastian drew a fingernail across Ran-Mao’s thigh as he watched her and Mei-Rin kiss.

"I’ll have to punish you properly for barging in on me and Mei-Rin," purred the butler, slowly scratching a trail. Ran-Mao whimpered…

~*~

She found herself glued to the spot, reading the story all in one sitting, a strange burning in her tummy. She folded it up and put it in her corset like all the others. Ran-Mao left the bedroom, now intending to catch the maid and the butler ‘in the act’ just in case a story like that could play out.


	4. Viscount Druitt

Ran-Mao was settled in the guest bedroom for her routine story reading. Anticipating some good stuff, she had even settled herself under the blankets.

~*~

"Yes, yes, my little robin! Now, shove the end of your club in!" yelled the Viscount passionately.

"Yes, my lord!" moaned Ran-Mao. She took her club and—

~*~

"No!" Ran-Mao tossed the papers away from her. What the hell sort of story was that?! She kicked the blankets off of her angrily and ripped the paper into pieces, leaving it where she had found it in the drawer. Maybe whoever the mysterious story writer was would have a good idea on how horrible that story was.


	5. Sebastian, Prince Soma, Agni, & Undertaker

Ran-Mao pulled a rather thick stack of papers from the drawer this time around. She immediately set to reading a promising romance about her and Sebastian.

~*~

"Remember how we enjoyed that threesome with Mei-Rin?" asked Sebastian after an afternoon of lovemaking.

"Mmm, yes," replied Ran-Mao, cuddling up to his bare chest.

"Want to do something like it again?"

"Yes, please!"

"Good…come on in, fellas!"

Prince Soma, Agni, and Undertaker walked in, all of them completely naked.

"A reverse harem!" Ran-Mao exclaimed excitedly—

~*~

Ran-Mao stormed off to the kitchen. Bard looked at her startled as she came in.

"Give me your flamethrower."

"…Wot?"

"Now!!" 

The startled cook handed it over, staring at her like she had gone mad. "Hey…wot are you doin’ with that?"

Ran-Mao set the story aflame, and half of Bard’s cook’s jacket. Ran-Mao swiftly patted the flames out on Bard’s jacket and helped strip him out of it.

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" He yelled at her shirtlessly, his charred cigarette dangling from his lips. Ran-Mao plucked it free and tossed it into the dying flames.

"Listen," she said. "After what I had to go through, I deserve this." 

Without another word, she pushed him against a wall and kissed him.passionately.

Bard had no fucking clue what she was even talking about, but he didn’t protest at all.

And that, kids, is the story of how I met your mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> END.
> 
> **WARNING: Do not write fic after two Straw-ber-ritas. Will result in Crack fic.**


End file.
